Basically, what Chris told me was that we shouldn't be together because he didn't feel a "spark." (He told me the same things two months ago, and that he'd been thinking about it for 2-3 months.)
Also, he has to move to Knoxville now...
Also, he has to move to Knoxville now...
What is the damn spark?!
Am I not attractive to him anymore? Do I not excite him or am I dull*? Am I too shy? Am I weird because I like cats and sometimes I coupon?
He said we are best friends and that you're supposed to marry your best friend. ("Our personalities are perfect [together]!") But you also need the "spark." So, it wasn't going to work because we didn't have that second part.
I shouldn't be doing this, but because of who I am, I just NEED TO KNOW what went wrong so I can FIX IT. I don't want to unknowingly have some flaw that pushes away every guy that's out there.
So.
Because I'm so anxious and kind of hate myself most of the time, I try to keep a collection of compliments people have given me. I will periodically go back and read over them, to help myself feel better.
I have a running text document with everything nice Chris has ever said to me. (Well, not EVERYTHING, but the things that I appreciated him say the most.)
I started re-reading.
And I cried because...I don't understand.
***
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I like you as more than friends. I think you're really pretty. You're a nerd...and I like that. You just really impress me. I think the world of you."
"I don't want a girl that's just like all the others. You're unlike anyone I've ever met. I can't compare you to anyone... It's unfair."
"Someone like you comes along...never."
"I think you're gorgeous."
"[You being here with me,] it just boggles my mind; it really does."
"I can't put it into words [how much I like you]."
"You're the 'one in a million'...and I'm not saying that you're 'THE one,' but you're definitely in the running."
"You're someone that I can see in my future."
"There was one time I was talking to [mutual friend] - I think it was when you were still with [ex] - and I don't know if I actually told [friend] this, but we were talking about girls and I said, 'I wish I could find someone like Kristin.'"
"I don't want to scare you... You're someone who'd be easy to fall in love with."
"I'm not going anywhere."
C: "You really scare me."
me: "Why?"
"Because you could really break my heart."
"I don't ever want to do that."
"If it's up to me, that will never happen to you again. I can't believe someone couldn't see how wonderful you are and treated you the way they did. You never deserved that. I know what you're worth."
"You have so much of what I want [in a significant other]."
"I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I was talking to my grandmother...last week...and she was asking about you. I told her you were probably the last person I was ever going to date.'"
C: "I don't want to scare you, but...could you see yourself marrying me?"
me: "Yes."
etc.
etc.
***
What happened?! And can I fix it?
*The first date I ever went on was in high school. The guy took me out, and then told all my friends the next day that I was dull. Obviously, that has stuck with me. (It turned out that he only went on a date with me because his ex-girlfriend said I was pretty...but still. That sucked.)
Kristin - I know its hard to understand right now, but it's NOT anything you did wrong! You are Kristin, don't ever try to change who you are, even your quirky habits or hobbies, because it's part of what makes Kristen, well... Kristen!
ReplyDeleteWhen you find that guy that God has planned for you, he won't run away because of some little thing you did or said. Now, I had to tell myself this too! I didn't just go into my breakup feeling this way, BUT, it's true! If he is really the one that God has prepared for you, then NO MATTER if you like cats, your shy, you coupon, whatever it may be... he won't leave!
I know it's hard to understand why this is happening right now, especially when the guy say things that seem like they are going to stay in your life forever. I've had things like that said to me too and was left completely confused when they broke up with me. This is why I have decided that in the next relationship I'm in (hopefully the last one I'm in) I will put it out there that we won't say things that could easily defraud us - saying things that seem like promises or that talk about the future involving us together (emphasizing the future together rather than focusing on the present opportunities for the friendship to grow). I think it's important to talk about the future to some extent, but I've noticed patterns in my past relationships that have caused me to defraud myself and things that the guy has said that encourages talk of a "might be".
Praying for you continuously! Just keep focusing on the One who loves you NO matter what!!
Listen to Celeste.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with us ladies is that we have nurturing innately imbedded in us.
So, once we find a mate, we like to spin a web and wrap him up tight.
But this is 2012.
Ask yourself why did he fall for you in the first place?
It was because of who you were WITHOUT him.
If that gets lost and you become completely consumed with him, what he wants, his likes, his desires, how to be more attractive to him...that girl is gone, ya know?
So, what's the guy supposed to be attracted to then?
It's hard to maintain original sense of self when falling in love, but you have to try.
Take comfort in the fact that basically ALL women have been in the emotional state you are feeling right now.
And it does get better and eventually goes away.
In the meantime, read this blog.
Good, common sense advice about getting over men you can't have, etc :
http://www.zabrinah.com/2012/03/why-are-you-so-empty-inside.html
xo
steph
Thank you, ladies.
ReplyDeleteIn my heart, I KNOW it will all be alright in the end...now I just have to convince my anxiety brain of the same thing. :)