secrets

I'll let you in on a little secret: anorexia nervosa made me want to die.

One night, while in high school, I was laying on the floor of my bedroom, crying. I had just finished doing leg lifts, crunches, and pushups...whatever physical activity I could do in the quiet of my room to cancel out the huge meal I had for dinner.

I was over it.
It was too much.
I was too fat. (Read: "fat." I wavered around 100 pounds at this point, I think.)

I just...wanted to die. I'd rather be dead than be fat. I never wanted to leave my bedroom. No person would ever want to look at my huge, ugly self ever again. No way. I might as well take all of them out of their misery and disappear.

But.

What if, when I died, they'd have to do an autopsy? Wouldn't they have to dissect me and weigh all my organs and body parts one at a time? THEY WOULD KNOW HOW FAT I WAS AND IT WOULD BE WRITTEN DOWN ON PAPER, ON RECORD FOREVER. My last weight would be gross and awful and that's all anyone would remember of me. THEY WOULD KNOW I'M DISGUSTING.

***

I actually thought these things.

It's National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. This year's NEDAwareness Week theme is "Everybody Knows Somebody" – and you know me.

1 in 5 (20%!) people who suffer from an eating disorder DIE because of the disease. That is the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

I still struggle with things (thanks, anxiety) but I am now HEALTHY. I make sure I consume enough calories every day, and I eat a variety of foods. I try to go on walks. I try not to stress after a big meal or an unexpected snack.
And, most importantly, I'm getting counseling.

Suffering through something like this shouldn't be kept a secret. PLEASE tell someone, and get help.

the challenge

The “challenge” is to list 7 random things about myself and then tag some of you to do the same!
I'm going to put a list twist on it, and say 7 things I want to learn/be better about doing. (I started taking notes in therapy today, so I will include some things I wrote down.)

1. I want to be good at telling people NO.
2. I want to make decisions without worrying if it's the WRONG one. It just needs to be a decision. Not black or white or good or bad.
3. I want to be able to tell people when they hurt my feelings.
4. I need to remember more often that I am not responsible for other people's happiness.
5. I need to be okay with imperfection, mistakes.
6. I want to be able to just sit and not think about a million things I need to be doing. Just be. And maybe drink some tea.
7. I want to love myself, JUST the way I am.

Unfortunately, since it is like, day 4 of my blog...I don't know enough of you to tag.
So, this is just for Sheena. Ha.

some background

Before I get into some heavier posts, I thought I might explain a few things.

I've always had issues with my mom. She truly loves my sisters and me, but she is very hard on us, controlling, and doesn't understand personal space/privacy. (Both my youngest sister and I think she may have an anxiety disorder also.)

While in high school and college, during which my anxiety manifested into an eating disorder, I didn't have a very good relationship with my mom. It didn't get much better until I graduated from college.

I'm trying to be better about letting her know when she hurts my feelings or says something she shouldn't, but it really helped being far away and out of the house.

The only other relationship I've been in besides Chris was not a good one. I'm still working through a lot of things with that. I didn't realize how deeply I was hurt until months after I left the ex. That sucked.

Chris is trying to help me without knowing everything. It's hard for me to talk about things, but he is very patient with me.

I guess when you think you're worth nothing, you'll stay in relationships where other people think you're nothing, too.
(Not that that makes the things that other people do to you your fault! Never is it ever your fault.)

But I'm learning to be stronger. :)

PS - Tomorrow I have my second therapy session!

waiting game

Chris has been gone for over a week, but he comes back tomorrow evening! I need it to be 24 hours from now...

I try to make a lot of plans when he's out of town so I'm occupied with SOMETHING. Sometimes, I feel like I just sit, waiting for time to pass. (I'm really not trying to sound dramatic. I said I was going to be transparent...so here it is.)

My therapist asked me if my anxiety was worse when Chris is out of town.

A thousand times, YES.

He is busy, so we can't talk as often as I'm used to, so my mind starts wandering.
"What if while he's gone, he decides he doesn't actually miss me and doesn't want to be with me?!" Etc.
Just a side note: I don't usually have anxiety about him leaving me for someone else. It's mostly that he just won't like ME, and decide to leave.

Chris really wants to help me with my anxiety, but I told him that "helping" me (aka making me feel better) would be telling me he loves me and that I'm pretty and smart and that he wants to be with me forever every 5 minutes.
In the end, that is not helping me at all. I need to believe those things without reminders 24/7.
(I'm sure my therapist will eventually give some pointers to Chris for how to deal with me, but for now...I want him to keep being his normal, wonderful self.)

I think it's time for me to have my calming tea.

and...boom.

Everyone has anxiety. Not everyone starts bawling at 7:30 in the morning because your boyfriend didn't text you back fast enough after you told him a weird dream and you are CONVINCED he is trying to think of a way to break up with you.

I've had thoughts like this my whole life, but didn't realize it wasn't normal until a month or two ago.

So.

On Tuesday, I started seeing a counselor for my [extreme] anxiety.
Since I've only had one session, I do not have an official diagnosis yet. It may be social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, or any mix of the three. Oy, my poor brain.

I wanted to start this blog to help me through my time in therapy, and also as a space where I can use over 140 characters to get my point across. (I'm really passionate about a lot of things, but places like Facebook and Twitter and real life scare me.)

I'm going to try and be as transparent as possible. And maybe I will help some people along the way...hopefully.

You are so welcome that I've already scared you away (from my blog and maybe in real life, too)! It's okay, though...I was probably scared of you first.

Three cheers for anxiety!

PS - This will introduce you to my crazy mind: Anxiety Cat
I have legit thought 99.9% of the posts on that blog.