Wednesday, May 30, 2012

some good news

Chris and I are back together. :)
(My therapist gave me a high-five when I told her!)

It's been a long, weird, unexpected road, but I'm so thankful for it.
Like I've mentioned, we have both learned a lot about ourselves and we've learned a lot about our relationship - what it is and what we want it to be.

I know I kind of took a detour with this blog when Chris broke up with me - from anxiety/mental health issues to grieving/dealing with a breakup, but it's all part of it, I guess!

This in no way means that my anxiety is alleviated...I will just find something else to freak out about (although now I have tools to battle no matter what anxiety tends to be thrown my way).
When I no longer wanted to focus on my weight and decided to get help for my eating disorder years ago, I found different things about me weren't good enough instead – my hair, my skin, my teeth, my FINGERNAILS. Yep, seriously.

If I listen to anxiety, I will never be good enough.

The things that are already swirling in my head include: conversations Chris and I have to have about engagment/marriage and possibly moving to Knoxville, my dermatologist appointment in a week, a dentist appointment in two weeks, money to pay for extra things I have to do, etc.

(I wonder where I'd be right now if I never went to therapy, even though it's been a mere four months...)

For now, I'm going to enjoy the rain and lightning from my bedroom window as I drift off to sleep. Goodnight!

Monday, May 14, 2012

I'm proud of you.

Chris and I are going through a pre-engagment book together. We're almost finished; I actually borrowed it from a friend a long time ago, but it fell victim to Chris & my laziness. :)

I brought the book along when we went to Florida to watch the second-to-last shuttle launch over a year ago. After claiming our spot on the windy dock in the NASA park, I walked back to the rental car to dig the book out of my bag. We had a couple hours before the launch was supposed to start, so Chris had suggested we start reading/discussing.
As soon as I sat down next to him, book in hand, the voice on the raspy intercom told us that the launch had been scrapped. So, I closed the book and instead cried. (I was obviously upset. I love space!)
After arriving back in Texas, I set the book on a shelf, untouched for several months. It then disappeared into a moving box, which was placed, unopened, in a closet.

Lazy, lazy, lazy!

Anyway, we started it again a few weeks ago. (Progress! Change! Un-laziness!)
One of the questions we went over last night was, "In what ways are you proud of your significant other?"

The first thing I thought about was how I was NOT proud of, nor did I respect, my last boyfriend.

I remember, in 2007, sitting in the pew of a beautiful church watching two of my friends get married. Part of the bride's vows included how much she respected her almost-husband. Listening to all the wonderful things she was saying about him, I started to cry.
I did NOT respect my current boyfriend. I was not proud of him. I was not proud to be with him. (That realization was the first of many steps backward away from him.)

Anyway, I told Chris about that, and then how I feel the complete opposite about him; I am proud of him for just about EVERYTHING. I respect him. I want to compliment him. I like to talk about him when I go out to dinner with friends.
When I was with him, I was proud to be his girlfriend. He didn't embarrass me, didn't say I was dressed like a whore (Yep, that happened.), didn't put down my friends, didn't hold me back from pursuing dreams or accomplishing goals...

What a breath of fresh air.

PS - For you nosy people, Chris and I are not back together (yet); we're still working through some stuff, and it's been good!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I care what you think

...and I shouldn't.

Well, I should care what you think to a point. I should be considerate, but I need to stop putting my needs & happiness on hold to "keep the peace." ("Keeping the peace" being my personal perception about what peace should be...which is a little distorted.)

I am not responsible for other people's emotions or reactions. (My therapist keeps reminding me of this.) I should not alter what I need to say or do for the mere possibility not everyone will react positively.
I'm incredibly empathetic. I get sad when you are sad. I hurt when you hurt. I want so badly for you to be happy, to have good things happen to you, to feel joy...but to the extreme that I will put my own needs aside to make that happen.
That is NOT healthy.
It's the reason I stayed in an abusive relationship when I should have left immediately, but I didn't want to "hurt his feelings." (Ugh.)

Chris and I have had several talks over the past 3-4 weeks. They have been good. Great, in fact. I am happy.
There is change. There is growth.


I'm battling this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because what will people think?

Will they think it's stupid of me to get back together with someone who has broken up with me twice? Will they think we're making decisions too fast? Do they think we're not thinking (or praying) about it at all?
I've cast judgement on the couple I thought moved too fast towards marriage. I've made fun of the couple that has broken up and gotten back together 5 times. I don't want to be the one on the other side.*

The funny thing is, no one has been anything but loving and supportive of me and of us, so why would I have anxiety about these things? Why should I care how people may (or may not!) react?
I shouldn't.

*Now, I do not condone breaking up and getting back together if there is no change in either person or in the relationship as a whole. Obviously, you broke up for a reason! But, if there is change, that's a different story. Not every couple is the same. This is not a Disney movie, people!