some good news

Chris and I are back together. :)

(My therapist gave me a high-five when I told her!)

It's been a long, weird, unexpected road, but I'm so thankful for it.

Like I've mentioned, we have both learned a lot about ourselves and we've learned a lot about our relationship - what it is and what we want it to be.

Exciting!

I know I kind of took a detour with this blog when Chris broke up with me - from anxiety/mental health issues to grieving/dealing with a breakup, but it's all part of it, I guess!

This in no way means that my anxiety is alleviated...I will just find something else to freak out about (although now I have tools to battle no matter what anxiety tends to be thrown my way).

When I no longer wanted to focus on my weight and decided to get help for my eating disorder years ago, I found different things about me weren't good enough instead – my hair, my skin, my teeth, my FINGERNAILS. Yep, seriously.

If I listen to anxiety, I will never be good enough.

The things that are already swirling in my head include: conversations Chris and I have to have about engagment/marriage and possibly moving to Knoxville, my dermatologist appointment in a week, a dentist appointment in two weeks, money to pay for extra things I have to do, etc.

(I wonder where I'd be right now if I never went to therapy, even though it's been a mere four months...)

For now, I'm going to enjoy the rain and lightning from my bedroom window as I drift off to sleep. Goodnight!

I'm proud of you.

Chris and I are going through a pre-engagment book together. We're almost finished; I actually borrowed it from a friend a long time ago, but it fell victim to Chris & my laziness. :)

I brought the book along when we went to Florida to watch the second-to-last shuttle launch over a year ago. After claiming our spot on the windy dock in the NASA park, I walked back to the rental car to dig the book out of my bag. We had a couple hours before the launch was supposed to start, so Chris had suggested we start reading/discussing.

As soon as I sat down next to him, book in hand, the voice on the raspy intercom told us that the launch had been scrapped. So, I closed the book and instead cried. (I was obviously upset. I love space!)

After arriving back in Texas, I set the book on a shelf, untouched for several months. It then disappeared into a moving box, which was placed, unopened, in a closet.

Lazy, lazy, lazy!

Anyway, we started it again a few weeks ago. (Progress! Change! Un-laziness!)

One of the questions we went over last night was, "In what ways are you proud of your significant other?"

The first thing I thought about was how I was NOT proud of, nor did I respect, my last boyfriend.

I remember, in 2007, sitting in the pew of a beautiful church watching two of my friends get married. Part of the bride's vows included how much she respected her almost-husband. Listening to all the wonderful things she was saying about him, I started to cry.

I did NOT respect my current boyfriend. I was not proud of him. I was not proud to be with him. (That realization was the first of many steps backward away from him.)

Anyway, I told Chris about that, and then how I feel the complete opposite about him; I am proud of him for just about EVERYTHING. I respect him. I want to compliment him. I like to talk about him when I go out to dinner with friends.

When I was with him, I was proud to be his girlfriend. He didn't embarrass me, didn't say I was dressed like a whore (Yep, that happened.), didn't put down my friends, didn't hold me back from pursuing dreams or accomplishing goals...

What a breath of fresh air.

PS - For you nosy people, Chris and I are not back together (yet); we're still working through some stuff, and it's been good!

I care what you think

...and I shouldn't.

Well, I should care what you think to a point. I should be considerate, but I need to stop putting my needs & happiness on hold to "keep the peace." ("Keeping the peace" being my personal perception about what peace should be...which is a little distorted.)

I am not responsible for other people's emotions or reactions. (My therapist keeps reminding me of this.) I should not alter what I need to say or do for the mere possibility not everyone will react positively.

I'm incredibly empathetic. I get sad when you are sad. I hurt when you hurt. I want so badly for you to be happy, to have good things happen to you, to feel joy...but to the extreme that I will put my own needs aside to make that happen.
That is NOT healthy.

It's the reason I stayed in an abusive relationship when I should have left immediately, but I didn't want to "hurt his feelings." (Ugh.)

Chris and I have had several talks over the past 3-4 weeks. They have been good. Great, in fact. I am happy.
There is change. There is growth.

But.

I'm battling this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because what will people think?

Will they think it's stupid of me to get back together with someone who has broken up with me twice? Will they think we're making decisions too fast? Do they think we're not thinking (or praying) about it at all?

I've cast judgement on the couple I thought moved too fast towards marriage. I've made fun of the couple that has broken up and gotten back together 5 times. I don't want to be the one on the other side.*

The funny thing is, no one has been anything but loving and supportive of me and of us, so why would I have anxiety about these things? Why should I care how people may (or may not!) react?

I shouldn't.

*Now, I do not condone breaking up and getting back together if there is no change in either person or in the relationship as a whole. Obviously, you broke up for a reason! But, if there is change, that's a different story. Not every couple is the same. This is not a Disney movie, people!

boxing?

Um, I started going to boxing fitness classes.
Not tae-bo, not kickboxing...ACTUAL boxing. Gloves, wraps, bags.

Me? Boxing? Hahaha.

I didn't think it would be my cup of tea, but since the first session is complimentary, I decided why not?

Wow, it kicked my butt and I could barely move for three days, but it was so, so good. I have never been sweatier or stinkier in my life, I'm fairly certain.

My friend has a membership and goes often, which I think is great, but I was a little apprehensive about paying to work out (I have a NICE gym at my apartment complex) and driving 20 minutes to get there a couple times a week.

But, another one of my friends who lives near me decided to start going regularly. Hello, carpooling!
So, I bought my 10-session punchcard today.

It's been fun getting to hang out with my girls, and I feel better about myself. Even if I don't lose weight or change shape, I will still feel like I LOOK better, and that's always a plus. :)

And, according to the Journal of Mental Heath and Physical Activity, just two workouts a week has been proven to ease the affects of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. YES!

This will be a fun adventure.

this is my Saturday

I read this amazing, AMAZING blog post on the Saturday between Good Friday and Easter Sunday.

I know what to reflect on and how to feel on the day of Jesus' death and subsequent resurrection, but what about the day in-between?

RefineUs' blog post nailed it (oh, no pun intended): http://refineus.org/2010/04/the-saturday-between/

My favorite parts? "Sometimes my dream has to die before God can give birth to His vision," and "...you are not in a season of defeat but a season of preparation."

I'm definitely living in my Saturday right now. Friday came and it SUCKED; I can't see the Sunday that is coming. I know it's out there somewhere...but what/when is it?!

In other news, I'm trying to decide if I want to get some wispy side bangs at my next hair cut (a little over a week from now) and/or if I finally want to get my wrist tattoo.

I wanted to do both of them in the past, but was worried about what I would look like/what others would think.

But, even now, I've been going back and forth from excitement to unsureness. Maybe I don't really want either?

It's weird trying to figure out what I want, for once.

I feel better.

Our talk on Sunday evening had the best possible outcome, I think.

(Thank you all who prayed for me and him and us!)

I feel better. I don't feel GOOD (because we're not together), but I was expecting exactly that.

I got answers, and that was what I wanted most...not a feeling afterwards.

I can't believe how much I've learned about myself in the past 3 weeks.

I started going to therapy for anxiety, but I've now gotten relationship advice AND counseling for grief management. I definitely wasn't planning on all that, but it's been incredibly helpful.

New things I've learned:

• I'm poor at communicating. (I think a lot of people are, though. One reason why I think everyone needs a therapist!)

• I like to stay "safe" in my relationships. Safe is boring!

• I stop doing things I love when I'm scared/fearful of abandonment.

• I need to talk about my feelings! I already learned it's okay to feel my feelings, but I also need to share them with those it affects.

• I need to be more intentional about working on relationships (and friendships!). I can be...lazy? I don't know if that is the best word, because I love my friends and loved my relationship with Chris...but I don't do very well at reaching out all the time, I guess.

• There are three intimacies I should always work on in a relationship with a significant other: physical, emotional (including romance and spiritual), and intellectual. (Just a great piece of advice from my therapist.)

• I need to trust my gut more.

• I shouldn't minimize my needs and desires. I need to tell people (especially a significant other) when I need something from them.

I could probably go on for days, but I won't do that.

In the end, I realize that I can't be with someone who has doubts, who is not for me 100%; I need to be with someone who ONLY sees me in their future. Period.

And I'm okay with that. I am enough. :)

Note: Chris did not break up with me because of my anxiety. He actually felt really terrible about ending things with me because he knew breaking up with me has always been a really big worry for me. He didn't want to set me back with my therapy.

head vs heart

I do better when I am talking with friends or with my therapist.
I get to verbalize my situation, and in return I hear my friend's stories, or stories from friends of friends, and I am comforted. Other people have loved so hard and lost it, too. But they're ok. They made it. They're making it.

I go back to the head stuff, the stuff I KNOW: Jesus loves me. God wants His very best for me. I will be taken care of. I will love and will be loved again. I'm exactly where I need to be at this moment. It will all work out in the end.

And I have more peace.

The issue is when my heart takes over, drowning in the things I'm unsure of.
I wonder what I'm going to do for Thanksgiving this year? (I will miss hanging out with his grandparents so badly.)
I wonder what he is feeling? (Is he happy without me?)
I wonder when I will be legitimately happy for him when he finds someone new? (Currently, this idea makes me nauseous.)
I wonder how I'll ever be able to one day trust the same words he told me when they come from the mouth of another? (I can't handle my heart being broken like this again.)
I wonder if I will ever find someone who will love me as much as I love them? (I love a LOT. Can it be returned?)
Ugh.

I almost wish we had stayed very best friends – instead of boyfriend/girlfriend & best friends - this entire time so I wouldn't have to stifle the memories we have.

The only photo of us I left sitting out is at work. We are posing in front of a giant NASA logo during our tour of their facilities. We saw the last space shuttle launch only the day before. Some of the best several days I've ever got to experience, and he was with me.
It hurts that eventually I'll have to take that photo down, not because I want to forget, but because you shouldn't have a photo of an ex-boyfriend up in your apartment or office...especially if there is a new boy one day.
It's not fair.

If you think about it, will you say a little prayer for me? UPDATED: Sunday evening, I see Chris for the first time since the breakup. Pray for closure, and possibly even comfort. I need it so badly.
I have to start finding my new normal. I have to stick with the head stuff.