Our talk on Sunday evening had the best possible outcome, I think.
(Thank you all who prayed for me and him and us!)
I feel better. I don't feel GOOD (because we're not together), but I was expecting exactly that.
I got answers, and that was what I wanted most...not a feeling afterwards.
I can't believe how much I've learned about myself in the past 3 weeks.
I started going to therapy for anxiety, but I've now gotten relationship advice AND counseling for grief management. I definitely wasn't planning on all that, but it's been incredibly helpful.
New things I've learned:
• I'm poor at communicating. (I think a lot of people are, though. One reason why I think everyone needs a therapist!)
• I like to stay "safe" in my relationships. Safe is boring!
• I stop doing things I love when I'm scared/fearful of abandonment.
• I need to talk about my feelings! I already learned it's okay to feel my feelings, but I also need to share them with those it affects.
• I need to be more intentional about working on relationships (and friendships!). I can be...lazy? I don't know if that is the best word, because I love my friends and loved my relationship with Chris...but I don't do very well at reaching out all the time, I guess.
• There are three intimacies I should always work on in a relationship with a significant other: physical, emotional (including romance and spiritual), and intellectual. (Just a great piece of advice from my therapist.)
• I need to trust my gut more.
• I shouldn't minimize my needs and desires. I need to tell people (especially a significant other) when I need something from them.
I could probably go on for days, but I won't do that.
In the end, I realize that I can't be with someone who has doubts, who is not for me 100%; I need to be with someone who ONLY sees me in their future. Period.
And I'm okay with that. I am enough. :)
Note: Chris did not break up with me because of my anxiety. He actually felt really terrible about ending things with me because he knew breaking up with me has always been a really big worry for me. He didn't want to set me back with my therapy.