I care what you think

...and I shouldn't.

Well, I should care what you think to a point. I should be considerate, but I need to stop putting my needs & happiness on hold to "keep the peace." ("Keeping the peace" being my personal perception about what peace should be...which is a little distorted.)

I am not responsible for other people's emotions or reactions. (My therapist keeps reminding me of this.) I should not alter what I need to say or do for the mere possibility not everyone will react positively.

I'm incredibly empathetic. I get sad when you are sad. I hurt when you hurt. I want so badly for you to be happy, to have good things happen to you, to feel joy...but to the extreme that I will put my own needs aside to make that happen.
That is NOT healthy.

It's the reason I stayed in an abusive relationship when I should have left immediately, but I didn't want to "hurt his feelings." (Ugh.)

Chris and I have had several talks over the past 3-4 weeks. They have been good. Great, in fact. I am happy.
There is change. There is growth.

But.

I'm battling this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because what will people think?

Will they think it's stupid of me to get back together with someone who has broken up with me twice? Will they think we're making decisions too fast? Do they think we're not thinking (or praying) about it at all?

I've cast judgement on the couple I thought moved too fast towards marriage. I've made fun of the couple that has broken up and gotten back together 5 times. I don't want to be the one on the other side.*

The funny thing is, no one has been anything but loving and supportive of me and of us, so why would I have anxiety about these things? Why should I care how people may (or may not!) react?

I shouldn't.

*Now, I do not condone breaking up and getting back together if there is no change in either person or in the relationship as a whole. Obviously, you broke up for a reason! But, if there is change, that's a different story. Not every couple is the same. This is not a Disney movie, people!

this is my Saturday

I read this amazing, AMAZING blog post on the Saturday between Good Friday and Easter Sunday.

I know what to reflect on and how to feel on the day of Jesus' death and subsequent resurrection, but what about the day in-between?

RefineUs' blog post nailed it (oh, no pun intended): http://refineus.org/2010/04/the-saturday-between/

My favorite parts? "Sometimes my dream has to die before God can give birth to His vision," and "...you are not in a season of defeat but a season of preparation."

I'm definitely living in my Saturday right now. Friday came and it SUCKED; I can't see the Sunday that is coming. I know it's out there somewhere...but what/when is it?!

In other news, I'm trying to decide if I want to get some wispy side bangs at my next hair cut (a little over a week from now) and/or if I finally want to get my wrist tattoo.

I wanted to do both of them in the past, but was worried about what I would look like/what others would think.

But, even now, I've been going back and forth from excitement to unsureness. Maybe I don't really want either?

It's weird trying to figure out what I want, for once.