the subthreshold

I had a mild setback with my workouts.

Last Thursday, we did a lot of upper body stuff: pushups, burpees, bag work, & mitt work. I guess I was a little too hardcore because I was ACHING the next day; everything from the chest up hurt.

A few days later, the pain on my right subsided, but my left felt worse. Upon closer inspection, I noticed a bulge on my ribs under my left armpit; it was painful to the touch. I was so swollen that it was actually messing with the nerves in my arm/hand.

After much freaking out and Googling, I determined it was only a strain (and not a tear).* I had to accept I wouldn't be able to box for a couple weeks.

Boo.

On top of this workout-reducing injury, I have gained about 4 pounds in the past 2-3 weeks. The rational part of my brain understands this is most likely muscle weight, especially since I've been better about eating protein after my boxing class. The irrational, anxious, eating disordered part of my brain screams, "OMG, IT'S FAT! IT'S FAT! FAT FAT FAT. OMG, YOU'RE GAINING WEIGHT. YOU ARE FAT." Then: "Where is the fat going? Can I see it? Is it here?" *pinch* "Here?!" *pinch pinch* "If I can't work out, it's going to get worse! I HAVE TO WORK OUT. I can't lose what I've gotten out of this so far! I HAVE TO WORK OUT."

I wish that part of me would disappear already. I want to think rationally. I want to do what makes sense.

(I have done some CRAZY things before, but I'll talk about some of those in another post.)

"As a general guideline, it appears that one third of patients fully recover [from an eating disorder], one third retain subthreshold symptoms, and one third maintain a chronic eating disorder." - Cleveland Clinic

I am definitely in the "subthreshold" category. It never goes away.
Maybe I can quiet it, or at least recognize it, but it will always be there, whispering snide remarks, promising mitigation of my anxieties, tempting me to be its only friend...

Even now, when I am HEALTHY – sculpted, thin, eating well – it whispers.

Even when my boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful and he loves my curves, it whispers.
Even in the moments when I think I can appreciate my own body, it whispers.

I have realized therapy for me will be a lifelong process. Not continuously, but continually.

I was talking with my therapist about this, and I named several times I already know will warrant me going back: when I find out I'm pregnant one day (and throughout the pregnancy as my body changes), during significant changes in my children's lives, through moves or job changes, etc.

(My therapist applauded my self-awareness, at least!)

And I say "going back" because my workplace is switching insurance companies and my therapist will no longer be covered come August 1. :( I've decided once that date hits, I'll take a break from therapy to see how I handle things...

Some good news: after my trainers worked with injured me during just one class, my muscle feels better! At the earliest, I'll be boxing again next Monday, but I don't want to push it.

*Y'all, I seriously forgot what a strained muscle felt like. I haven't had one since high school...possibly middle school. Then, I worked out every day and usually didn't get sore/strained. With boxing, I only work out twice a week and I still get sore after EVERY class.

I care what you think

...and I shouldn't.

Well, I should care what you think to a point. I should be considerate, but I need to stop putting my needs & happiness on hold to "keep the peace." ("Keeping the peace" being my personal perception about what peace should be...which is a little distorted.)

I am not responsible for other people's emotions or reactions. (My therapist keeps reminding me of this.) I should not alter what I need to say or do for the mere possibility not everyone will react positively.

I'm incredibly empathetic. I get sad when you are sad. I hurt when you hurt. I want so badly for you to be happy, to have good things happen to you, to feel joy...but to the extreme that I will put my own needs aside to make that happen.
That is NOT healthy.

It's the reason I stayed in an abusive relationship when I should have left immediately, but I didn't want to "hurt his feelings." (Ugh.)

Chris and I have had several talks over the past 3-4 weeks. They have been good. Great, in fact. I am happy.
There is change. There is growth.

But.

I'm battling this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because what will people think?

Will they think it's stupid of me to get back together with someone who has broken up with me twice? Will they think we're making decisions too fast? Do they think we're not thinking (or praying) about it at all?

I've cast judgement on the couple I thought moved too fast towards marriage. I've made fun of the couple that has broken up and gotten back together 5 times. I don't want to be the one on the other side.*

The funny thing is, no one has been anything but loving and supportive of me and of us, so why would I have anxiety about these things? Why should I care how people may (or may not!) react?

I shouldn't.

*Now, I do not condone breaking up and getting back together if there is no change in either person or in the relationship as a whole. Obviously, you broke up for a reason! But, if there is change, that's a different story. Not every couple is the same. This is not a Disney movie, people!

boxing?

Um, I started going to boxing fitness classes.
Not tae-bo, not kickboxing...ACTUAL boxing. Gloves, wraps, bags.

Me? Boxing? Hahaha.

I didn't think it would be my cup of tea, but since the first session is complimentary, I decided why not?

Wow, it kicked my butt and I could barely move for three days, but it was so, so good. I have never been sweatier or stinkier in my life, I'm fairly certain.

My friend has a membership and goes often, which I think is great, but I was a little apprehensive about paying to work out (I have a NICE gym at my apartment complex) and driving 20 minutes to get there a couple times a week.

But, another one of my friends who lives near me decided to start going regularly. Hello, carpooling!
So, I bought my 10-session punchcard today.

It's been fun getting to hang out with my girls, and I feel better about myself. Even if I don't lose weight or change shape, I will still feel like I LOOK better, and that's always a plus. :)

And, according to the Journal of Mental Heath and Physical Activity, just two workouts a week has been proven to ease the affects of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. YES!

This will be a fun adventure.

waiting game

Chris has been gone for over a week, but he comes back tomorrow evening! I need it to be 24 hours from now...

I try to make a lot of plans when he's out of town so I'm occupied with SOMETHING. Sometimes, I feel like I just sit, waiting for time to pass. (I'm really not trying to sound dramatic. I said I was going to be transparent...so here it is.)

My therapist asked me if my anxiety was worse when Chris is out of town.

A thousand times, YES.

He is busy, so we can't talk as often as I'm used to, so my mind starts wandering.
"What if while he's gone, he decides he doesn't actually miss me and doesn't want to be with me?!" Etc.
Just a side note: I don't usually have anxiety about him leaving me for someone else. It's mostly that he just won't like ME, and decide to leave.

Chris really wants to help me with my anxiety, but I told him that "helping" me (aka making me feel better) would be telling me he loves me and that I'm pretty and smart and that he wants to be with me forever every 5 minutes.
In the end, that is not helping me at all. I need to believe those things without reminders 24/7.
(I'm sure my therapist will eventually give some pointers to Chris for how to deal with me, but for now...I want him to keep being his normal, wonderful self.)

I think it's time for me to have my calming tea.

and...boom.

Everyone has anxiety. Not everyone starts bawling at 7:30 in the morning because your boyfriend didn't text you back fast enough after you told him a weird dream and you are CONVINCED he is trying to think of a way to break up with you.

I've had thoughts like this my whole life, but didn't realize it wasn't normal until a month or two ago.

So.

On Tuesday, I started seeing a counselor for my [extreme] anxiety.
Since I've only had one session, I do not have an official diagnosis yet. It may be social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, or any mix of the three. Oy, my poor brain.

I wanted to start this blog to help me through my time in therapy, and also as a space where I can use over 140 characters to get my point across. (I'm really passionate about a lot of things, but places like Facebook and Twitter and real life scare me.)

I'm going to try and be as transparent as possible. And maybe I will help some people along the way...hopefully.

You are so welcome that I've already scared you away (from my blog and maybe in real life, too)! It's okay, though...I was probably scared of you first.

Three cheers for anxiety!

PS - This will introduce you to my crazy mind: Anxiety Cat
I have legit thought 99.9% of the posts on that blog.