cutesy cute

I'm going to tell a story about Chris, so if you don't want a puddle in your chest where your heart used to be, you can leave now!

I am* really terrible at making decisions. I wasn't really given the opportunity to make a lot of them in my past relationship, and outside of that, I'm always afraid of making the WRONG one.

Chris figured this out by my constant response of "I don't care!" to his "What do you want for dinner?" "Which one do you like better?" "What do you want to do today?" God forbid he hand me the remote to the TV - TOO MANY OPTIONS AND THEY'RE ALL WRONG.

One day, we were in a grocery store together shopping for dinner, and he asked me if I wanted wine and/or dessert.

(Obligatory.) "I don't care."

"No, really. What would you like? Either one or both?"

"I don't care."
"No, you pick."
"But, I don't care!"

He stared at me.

"Then," he said, as he squatted to sit cross-legged in the middle of the aisle with our basket as other shoppers walked by, "I won't get up until you make a decision."

AHHHH simultaneous swoon and wave of anxiety!

"I don't KNOW!" I exclaimed, leaning my head back to project the last word onto the ceiling.

Writhing with uncertainty, I don't remember how long it took me to make a decision (It felt like forever...), but I finally said no. He rose from the floor upon hearing my choice, and we continued shopping. Normal.

GOOD NEWS: Since I've started my therapy, I have been so much better about making decisions! There are some things that I will deflect to him, but overall, I'm becoming more me. :) I have OPINIONS and they're not bad! They're just...opinions.

*I'm working on WAS instead of AM. I'm more towards the WAS now!

some good news

Chris and I are back together. :)

(My therapist gave me a high-five when I told her!)

It's been a long, weird, unexpected road, but I'm so thankful for it.

Like I've mentioned, we have both learned a lot about ourselves and we've learned a lot about our relationship - what it is and what we want it to be.

Exciting!

I know I kind of took a detour with this blog when Chris broke up with me - from anxiety/mental health issues to grieving/dealing with a breakup, but it's all part of it, I guess!

This in no way means that my anxiety is alleviated...I will just find something else to freak out about (although now I have tools to battle no matter what anxiety tends to be thrown my way).

When I no longer wanted to focus on my weight and decided to get help for my eating disorder years ago, I found different things about me weren't good enough instead – my hair, my skin, my teeth, my FINGERNAILS. Yep, seriously.

If I listen to anxiety, I will never be good enough.

The things that are already swirling in my head include: conversations Chris and I have to have about engagment/marriage and possibly moving to Knoxville, my dermatologist appointment in a week, a dentist appointment in two weeks, money to pay for extra things I have to do, etc.

(I wonder where I'd be right now if I never went to therapy, even though it's been a mere four months...)

For now, I'm going to enjoy the rain and lightning from my bedroom window as I drift off to sleep. Goodnight!

I'm proud of you.

Chris and I are going through a pre-engagment book together. We're almost finished; I actually borrowed it from a friend a long time ago, but it fell victim to Chris & my laziness. :)

I brought the book along when we went to Florida to watch the second-to-last shuttle launch over a year ago. After claiming our spot on the windy dock in the NASA park, I walked back to the rental car to dig the book out of my bag. We had a couple hours before the launch was supposed to start, so Chris had suggested we start reading/discussing.

As soon as I sat down next to him, book in hand, the voice on the raspy intercom told us that the launch had been scrapped. So, I closed the book and instead cried. (I was obviously upset. I love space!)

After arriving back in Texas, I set the book on a shelf, untouched for several months. It then disappeared into a moving box, which was placed, unopened, in a closet.

Lazy, lazy, lazy!

Anyway, we started it again a few weeks ago. (Progress! Change! Un-laziness!)

One of the questions we went over last night was, "In what ways are you proud of your significant other?"

The first thing I thought about was how I was NOT proud of, nor did I respect, my last boyfriend.

I remember, in 2007, sitting in the pew of a beautiful church watching two of my friends get married. Part of the bride's vows included how much she respected her almost-husband. Listening to all the wonderful things she was saying about him, I started to cry.

I did NOT respect my current boyfriend. I was not proud of him. I was not proud to be with him. (That realization was the first of many steps backward away from him.)

Anyway, I told Chris about that, and then how I feel the complete opposite about him; I am proud of him for just about EVERYTHING. I respect him. I want to compliment him. I like to talk about him when I go out to dinner with friends.

When I was with him, I was proud to be his girlfriend. He didn't embarrass me, didn't say I was dressed like a whore (Yep, that happened.), didn't put down my friends, didn't hold me back from pursuing dreams or accomplishing goals...

What a breath of fresh air.

PS - For you nosy people, Chris and I are not back together (yet); we're still working through some stuff, and it's been good!

I care what you think

...and I shouldn't.

Well, I should care what you think to a point. I should be considerate, but I need to stop putting my needs & happiness on hold to "keep the peace." ("Keeping the peace" being my personal perception about what peace should be...which is a little distorted.)

I am not responsible for other people's emotions or reactions. (My therapist keeps reminding me of this.) I should not alter what I need to say or do for the mere possibility not everyone will react positively.

I'm incredibly empathetic. I get sad when you are sad. I hurt when you hurt. I want so badly for you to be happy, to have good things happen to you, to feel joy...but to the extreme that I will put my own needs aside to make that happen.
That is NOT healthy.

It's the reason I stayed in an abusive relationship when I should have left immediately, but I didn't want to "hurt his feelings." (Ugh.)

Chris and I have had several talks over the past 3-4 weeks. They have been good. Great, in fact. I am happy.
There is change. There is growth.

But.

I'm battling this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because what will people think?

Will they think it's stupid of me to get back together with someone who has broken up with me twice? Will they think we're making decisions too fast? Do they think we're not thinking (or praying) about it at all?

I've cast judgement on the couple I thought moved too fast towards marriage. I've made fun of the couple that has broken up and gotten back together 5 times. I don't want to be the one on the other side.*

The funny thing is, no one has been anything but loving and supportive of me and of us, so why would I have anxiety about these things? Why should I care how people may (or may not!) react?

I shouldn't.

*Now, I do not condone breaking up and getting back together if there is no change in either person or in the relationship as a whole. Obviously, you broke up for a reason! But, if there is change, that's a different story. Not every couple is the same. This is not a Disney movie, people!

I feel better.

Our talk on Sunday evening had the best possible outcome, I think.

(Thank you all who prayed for me and him and us!)

I feel better. I don't feel GOOD (because we're not together), but I was expecting exactly that.

I got answers, and that was what I wanted most...not a feeling afterwards.

I can't believe how much I've learned about myself in the past 3 weeks.

I started going to therapy for anxiety, but I've now gotten relationship advice AND counseling for grief management. I definitely wasn't planning on all that, but it's been incredibly helpful.

New things I've learned:

• I'm poor at communicating. (I think a lot of people are, though. One reason why I think everyone needs a therapist!)

• I like to stay "safe" in my relationships. Safe is boring!

• I stop doing things I love when I'm scared/fearful of abandonment.

• I need to talk about my feelings! I already learned it's okay to feel my feelings, but I also need to share them with those it affects.

• I need to be more intentional about working on relationships (and friendships!). I can be...lazy? I don't know if that is the best word, because I love my friends and loved my relationship with Chris...but I don't do very well at reaching out all the time, I guess.

• There are three intimacies I should always work on in a relationship with a significant other: physical, emotional (including romance and spiritual), and intellectual. (Just a great piece of advice from my therapist.)

• I need to trust my gut more.

• I shouldn't minimize my needs and desires. I need to tell people (especially a significant other) when I need something from them.

I could probably go on for days, but I won't do that.

In the end, I realize that I can't be with someone who has doubts, who is not for me 100%; I need to be with someone who ONLY sees me in their future. Period.

And I'm okay with that. I am enough. :)

Note: Chris did not break up with me because of my anxiety. He actually felt really terrible about ending things with me because he knew breaking up with me has always been a really big worry for me. He didn't want to set me back with my therapy.

so many tissues

This has been my worst day since the night he broke up with me. I even left work a little early because I was about to burst. (I had to have my trusty tissue - okay, tissues - with me during my walk to my car.)

Using my cognitive behavioral techniques, I tried to "squash" my anxious thoughts right away...but I wasn't very good at it today. Everything is making me cry.

A man on a TV show telling his wife how beautiful she is.

That stupid Fancy Feast commercial with a kitten wearing a "Will you marry us?" charm on its collar.

Seeing my own cat and thinking about how well Chris loves her.

Making a two-person meal and having leftovers.

Filling up my dishwasher half as fast.

(And ugh, now they're dancing to "Marry You" on Dancing with the Stars.)

Etc.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" - Matthew 6:26 & 27

I understand that I will be taken care of, that everything will work out in the end. I know this. But...I'm impatient. And anxious.

Just thinking about someone new makes me sick to my stomach.
(I actually had a couple dreams that boys were hitting on me, and I got upset...because they weren't Chris.)

At this moment, I just wish I was married. I just wish I felt safe.

that evening

Chris came over because he was about to leave for a work trip for a couple weeks. Totally normal.

He seemed a little tired and/or sad when he arrived. I never know how to take those kinds of emotions. I feel like I can't tell if something is actually wrong with someone, or if my anxiety is just telling me something is wrong.

I sat down on the couch next to him, and held him.

"I had a stinky day. I...knocked the side mirror off of my car." I admitted, and started to get a little teary, because I felt so dumb for doing that. I had been thinking all day of a good lie to make it not my fault, but I knew that wasn't what I should do. (I just hate being bad at stuff he's really good at - like driving - because I don't want him to think I'm stupid. He wouldn't ever think that, anxiety brain!)

I don't really remember what he said in response, but he was quiet for a while. I kissed his cheek.

"Are you okay?"

"No."

"What's wrong?" I leaned back. I already had a bubble in my throat.

"I have to move to Knoxville."

"Oh..." I started to cry. Not hard, just a little.

"Sorry," I apologized for getting tears on him. "I know we've talked about you maybe being transferred to Seattle [or New York City] before, but this is...a surprise. When did you find out?"

"When I was there [these past two weeks]."

"Oh."

"They told me it would always be a possibility..." he started, and then was silent for a bit again.

I was scared of the answer because of the way he was acting, but I had to ask anyway: "So...do you want me to come up there with you eventually?"

"That's what we need to talk about..."

Okay, so there went my REAL tears.

Oh God, I'm awful. I'm gasping and screaming and whining and barely breathing. (I'm sure the neighbors thought someone was getting tortured inside my apartment. It was bad.)

"I still feel the same as I did a couple months ago..." he began to get upset, too.

(Note: when he broke up with me about the spark two months ago, he came back two days later and said he'd made a mistake. We had a great talk and I felt good about everything.)

I went into the bathroom to wash off all my makeup, only because it was becoming a runny mess on my face. I could cry easier now.

He got me tissues and a trash can, and stayed for a while.

When I could talk, we talked. When I needed to cry, he held me. When I got tired and rested my forehead on his, he wiped the single tear from my cheek.

"Everything's going to be different," I said, my voice muffled by how deep my face was now buried in his chest.

"I know, babe," he said, and started to cry.

I didn't want him to leave, ever. I had plans with him.

We had looked at houses, balanced our budgets together, discussed future travel plans...

Now everything in front of me has been erased.

I'm my own person. I have wonderful friends and a career and hobbies and my own place. But, what do I DO now...?

Everything hurts.

Walking to my empty apartment: "He's not here..."

Sitting at work: "I can't text him..."

Trying to make plans: "I can't make them with him..."

Driving to meet friends: "That's where he lives..."

Watching TV: "Chris was supposed to finish this show with me..."

I just wish I felt like he felt. I want to understand.

And maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad.

one week

My therapist tells me that I need to sit and deal with my feelings

It's okay for me to want to be surrounded by my friends and be distracted sometimes, but at some point...I have to feel things.

It's awful.

There are so many things I want to tell him.

I finally got to stop for the duck crossing sign in front of my apartment complex to let a pair of mallards walk by!

I was stopped at a light next to a white C63...and it took off like a rocket when the light turned green.

I had coffee with Stephanie and Bushra, and it was the first time in over two years we all three sat at Starbucks without sending you silly texts...and the first time I didn't get to brag about you.

I passed by your apartment on Thursday, and I cried.

When I visited Rockwall, I found 4 more of my juice glasses that I haven't been able to find anywhere else. Now I have my matching set!

I got a keyboard and I'm so excited! I want to play you some music.

Some of the stuff is serious, some of it is silly...but they're all things I wish I could text/tell him while he is away.

But I can't.

And every time that I hear my phone alert me to a text message, my heart still jumps because it might be him...

But it won't be.

(It just dinged, and it wasn't him. I started to cry.) :(

There are tissues in my purse, tissues in my car, tissues sitting next to me right now. I carry a tissue out with me to my car after I leave work. Just in case.

I miss my best friend.

waiting for a spark

Basically, what Chris told me was that we shouldn't be together because he didn't feel a "spark." (He told me the same things two months ago, and that he'd been thinking about it for 2-3 months.)
Also, he has to move to Knoxville now...

What is the damn spark?!

Am I not attractive to him anymore? Do I not excite him or am I dull*? Am I too shy? Am I weird because I like cats and sometimes I coupon?

He said we are best friends and that you're supposed to marry your best friend. ("Our personalities are perfect [together]!") But you also need the "spark." So, it wasn't going to work because we didn't have that second part.

I shouldn't be doing this, but because of who I am, I just NEED TO KNOW what went wrong so I can FIX IT. I don't want to unknowingly have some flaw that pushes away every guy that's out there.

So.

Because I'm so anxious and kind of hate myself most of the time, I try to keep a collection of compliments people have given me. I will periodically go back and read over them, to help myself feel better.

I have a running text document with everything nice Chris has ever said to me. (Well, not EVERYTHING, but the things that I appreciated him say the most.)

I started re-reading.

And I cried because...I don't understand.

***

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I like you as more than friends. I think you're really pretty. You're a nerd...and I like that. You just really impress me. I think the world of you."

"I don't want a girl that's just like all the others. You're unlike anyone I've ever met. I can't compare you to anyone... It's unfair."

"Someone like you comes along...never."

"I think you're gorgeous."

"[You being here with me,] it just boggles my mind; it really does."

"I can't put it into words [how much I like you]."

"You're the 'one in a million'...and I'm not saying that you're 'THE one,' but you're definitely in the running."

"You're someone that I can see in my future."

"There was one time I was talking to [mutual friend] - I think it was when you were still with [ex] - and I don't know if I actually told [friend] this, but we were talking about girls and I said, 'I wish I could find someone like Kristin.'"

"I don't want to scare you... You're someone who'd be easy to fall in love with."

"I'm not going anywhere."

C: "You really scare me."

me: "Why?"

"Because you could really break my heart."

"I don't ever want to do that."

"If it's up to me, that will never happen to you again. I can't believe someone couldn't see how wonderful you are and treated you the way they did.  You never deserved that.  I know what you're worth."

"You have so much of what I want [in a significant other]."

"I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I was talking to my grandmother...last week...and she was asking about you.  I told her you were probably the last person I was ever going to date.'"

C: "I don't want to scare you, but...could you see yourself marrying me?"

me: "Yes."

etc.

***

What happened?! And can I fix it?

*The first date I ever went on was in high school. The guy took me out, and then told all my friends the next day that I was dull. Obviously, that has stuck with me. (It turned out that he only went on a date with me because his ex-girlfriend said I was pretty...but still. That sucked.)

step one, step one...

Okay, so I said I'd be transparent, right?

I think I'm regretting that now...

Chris broke up with me on Sunday night.

I don't really want to talk details yet. I wasn't ready for this at all, so if you wouldn't mind saying a few prayers for me: for sleep, for the minimal amount of tissues to be used, for productivity at work, and for good times with friends.

I'm trying to stay so busy, because when I'm not, it gets bad. Ugly, red, puffy, makeup-smeared crying face.
(I'm all about sleepovers, too. I've had friends over but then end up breaking down after they leave. Just stay with me forever and I'll never be sad!)

This seems very...cheesy, but this song was stuck in my head this morning, and I think it's perfect for me right now. I can't listen to it unless I'm by myself though, because I will cry. A lot.

reborn and shivering

spat out on new terrain

unsure, unconvincing

this faint and shaky hour

day one, day one, start over again

step one, step one

I'm barely making sense for now

I'm faking it 'till I'm pseudo making it

from scratch begin again, but this time I as I

and not as we

gun shy and quivering

timid without a hand

feign brave with steel intent

little and hardly here

day one, day one, start over again

step one, step one

with not much making sense just yet

I'm faking it 'till I'm pseudo making it

from scratch begin again, but this time I as I

and not as we

eyes wet toward

wide open frayed

if God's taking bets

I pray He wants to lose

day one, day one, start over again

step one, step one

I'm barely making sense just yet

I'm faking it 'till I'm pseudo making it

from scratch begin again, but this time I as I

and not as we

-Alanis Morissette's "Not As We"

PS - Thank you, friends, who have already reached out and kept me busy & positive. I wish I could rewind or fast forward a few months so I'd just feel better, but that's not how this works. Friends are the next best thing.

PPS - Please do not call me or come to me to talk about it at work...I will just cry at you. Sorry. Texts and emails are ok. :)

r-e-s-p-e-c-t

How did I know Chris was different?

One night before I drove home, he was giving me a hug. He innocently touched the side of my thigh as we pulled away, and I froze. I don't know if I got a flash back or not, but I felt sick to my stomach.

"Can you please not do that?"

"Won't happen again," he said.

And it didn't.

He didn't know my past. He didn't need an explanation. He didn't whine or pout.

Respect is an awesome thing.

waiting game

Chris has been gone for over a week, but he comes back tomorrow evening! I need it to be 24 hours from now...

I try to make a lot of plans when he's out of town so I'm occupied with SOMETHING. Sometimes, I feel like I just sit, waiting for time to pass. (I'm really not trying to sound dramatic. I said I was going to be transparent...so here it is.)

My therapist asked me if my anxiety was worse when Chris is out of town.

A thousand times, YES.

He is busy, so we can't talk as often as I'm used to, so my mind starts wandering.
"What if while he's gone, he decides he doesn't actually miss me and doesn't want to be with me?!" Etc.
Just a side note: I don't usually have anxiety about him leaving me for someone else. It's mostly that he just won't like ME, and decide to leave.

Chris really wants to help me with my anxiety, but I told him that "helping" me (aka making me feel better) would be telling me he loves me and that I'm pretty and smart and that he wants to be with me forever every 5 minutes.
In the end, that is not helping me at all. I need to believe those things without reminders 24/7.
(I'm sure my therapist will eventually give some pointers to Chris for how to deal with me, but for now...I want him to keep being his normal, wonderful self.)

I think it's time for me to have my calming tea.